Thanks for the tip to play this enlighting game, I tried but do not understand one bit of it. I am not enlightened, I am no beautifull human being, I am being taken over by I do not know what but it has been in and around me for quite some time now. I reached this state of concience by love and sex, simple as that. I loved someone so much that I gave myself away to him, all of it, forgot to keep something for myself but that is logical because I still don't know what is self, never knew.
And there I lie because I always did what I wanted to do, could never listen to someone else and could never do what I did not think was best. But that's the point, I never thought of it, I am allways folowing my instinct and my instinct is not your average one. The love I lost was lost to my personal devil, yep, devil. He was my perfect match, I know because I casted him myself, I know that as well. After a few weeks suddenly there was this "game" of him giving me pain and christ I loved it, I really did and he said to me "I knew there was a slave somewhere inside of you". Well, I didn't know but he was right because I loved it and for me it became a way of living, no game for me. I have thought this over and over again, how can it be possible that I like pain? I must be mad as hell but now I know one thing: it is not the pain but the exitement, pain is not the important thing, it is being cared for................ because pain should be given with love and afterwards taken away with love and hey, that is what he forgot, to take it away again because he really loved to give pain so he must be as disturbed as I am or maybe more.
I remember one time I was really scared shitless in our game and at that point I put my Self in this dungeon. Be sure I really mean this, it was my true Self I flushed down the drain and that is haunting me since sometime now. Is it God? Is it the Devil? I don't know but it is here in many forms, it has taken over my life and have not much to say about it anymore.
I used this drug, DMT and went to another world completely and hey, I wasn't alone. There were two "beings" and they were in this conversation since the beginning of mankind and somehow I made this deal. They got stuck in my head and for them to get out of there I had to become thin, very thin and now I know I had to become a universe. In some part I felt myself becoming the earth and giving birth to the sun, boy that was hot! I learned to stop breathing because sometimes things have to pass through me, I could feel that. There is one part of my problems; you can stop breathing by becoming your middle and find the middle between inhaling and exhaling and when you do that you simply stop breathing. But, being a human being you talk to people and have automatic exhaling you cannot stop because you hardly notice so in fact, I only stopped inhaling. At this point my body is tightening, my legs and hips feel compressed because the air is out. When I give in to myself and my body, my body starts wriithing and scwirming to try and press all the air that is left out of me.
But that is not all, this 'entity' has somehow materialised around me, I can hear it and it sounds like thunder and airoplanes and sometimes I can hear it all day. There have been times I could really understand what "they" are saying but that is more than a few months ago.
Something else: I picked up a large group of beings that were shouting for help and I said okay, come into me than. I think or know they are jellyfish suffocating in our beatutifull God the ocean. They felt good when I felt good and fo christ sake, they loved sex as much as I did, they played along moving up and down my body and having lots of fun. They told me they are "them who made us" or, as they call themselves, they are God.
Have you ever heard of Terrence McKenna? He wrote about this labyrinth in our brain and hey folks, I went through that labyrinth and I came out because I felt myself being a good person, I live up to my own standards and boy, do I lay my faith high, I'm not easy and I ask a lot of myself. The problem is that after that I could only become less and less until nothing was left of me and there I am now, empty and lost.
They told me I am the first human being "finished" during life and I cracked the code of the universe whatever that maybe. Yes, I know what I think it is but I am the wrong person for the job they had planned for me because I was to become this messiah everyone is talking about. But, I have no self esteem, I cannot believe in myself so I am a failure and have no purpose in lif anymore.
And I really don't know what they want of me, except dying. They threaten me with noises and things moving and dissapearing. This is probably because when I first met them I really wanted to die so maybe I cannot outcome this s*** and really must die, although I know dying doesn't exist and should be very beautifull but I don't feel beautifull, I feel quite dirty, somekind of leftover. It took me more than half a year to make them understand what is breathing, they didn't understand that and then, just a few months ago, they became to understand I am a woman and that was a mistake as well, I should have been a man. That is something I can understand because I am maybe the only woman who follows her "d***", I am oversexed and love it. That must have something to do with it, sex, because when you have nothing left, you always have your body to caress, that is what is left of me now, my body and wow, is that a strange one.
At first I got this bubble in my midsection, this bubble I could shape and that was my middle. I could move under it, over it and by now, by moving my mouth I can shape it but it has become more than that. Now it is a vortex and it hurts like hell when I do something wrong but hey, I don't know what is right and what is wrong. Stop breathing, I've had it with that you know, constantly trying to feel what they want of me, f*** them. Normally I should say f*** you I do what I want but I have lost my Self or never had it. That was my conclusion of being a slave, the only conclusion can be that I was born a slave, a slut and as it is now I am God's slut and I don't like this God because he doesn't love me. When I was in the sea I thought okay, don't breathe and this f****** God just laughed at me because I though that was possible, how stupid can you get.
Now in the air outside this sound is beginning fo form again, this sound of which I think it is God and it is not a nice one.
Over the last months I have tried to be a good person, stopped using drugs and tried to like people because I never really liked people. I already hated other children when I was six or so. I was born for the sea, not humankind. But God wanted me to be there for mankind as well so I tried, I really tried but everyone has left me because I am mad and that scares the hell out of everyone.
When I came out of my first DMT trip I told people I am "somekind of jesus" and maybe I should have been but I failed. I had people, dead people come to me to thank me and I now why now. They thanked me for understanding sarcasm.... All this time sarcasts have been put throught terrible ordeals because when you are a sarcast you laugh about other people's missery. But the essence of a sarcast is laughing at your own misery, allways just laughing yourself away and so when you laugh at other people's misery it is okay. When you laugh aout someones misery without being able to laugh at yourself, you're a basterd and not nice at all. So, that is another possibllity that those jellyfish in my head are all those sarcasts and they want to get out of me to go to paradise but they told me they feel good in me. But, that was months ago because there is nothing nice left in me, I lost it all with love, gave it all away and forgot to keep something for myself.
I have been terribly afraid of this vortex in my solar plexis because I thought it was time and when I go down I take time with me and thus kill all of us. After that I thought it was ...............
Let me stop here because I am so f****** confused, not enlightened but afraid.
I can only say: clean the oceans because it is God for us